Understanding ideas

Dear Agony Aunt,

尊敬的知心阿姨，

I’m in a total mess here—hope you can help me out!

我这儿一团糟——希望您能帮帮我！

I’m 17, and a member of our school basketball team. I’m crazy about basketball, and pretty good at it too, which is probably why I was so mad when we lost our last match. We played well, but I felt the team were let down by one member, our point guard. The point guard is a key player, but it was like he wasn’t even on the court! Disappointed by his behaviour, I said all this to my best friend. I was just letting off steam really, because I was so angry, but then my friend went and told everyone else what I’d said.

我今年17岁，是学校篮球队的一员。我酷爱打篮球，而且打得也挺好的，也许正因如此，在我们队输掉了最近的比赛时我相当恼怒。我们打得不错，但我感觉整个团队都被一个队友拖累了，那就是我们的控球后卫。控球后卫是队里的关键球员，但他就像根本不在场上一样！我对他的行为感到失望，我把这些全部告诉了我最好的朋友。我其实只是发泄一下怒气，因为我很生气，可我的朋友随后却把我的话告诉了所有人。

This is so totally awkward. I’m really angry with my friend—what should I say to him? And should I say anything at all to my teammate?

这太让人尴尬了。我真的很生我朋友的气——我应该对他说些什么呢？另外，我是否应该对我的队友说点什么？

Embarrassed and ashamed, I can’t concentrate on anything. Please help!

我既尴尬又羞愧，做什么事都无法集中精力。请您帮帮我吧！

Ben

本

Absolute agony!

深陷痛苦！

Our Agony Aunt answers your questions.

知心阿姨为你答疑解惑

Dear Ben, 

亲爱的本，

There is an old American saying, “Loose lips sink ships.” This means that if you speak too much about something, especially to people who you don’t know so well, it’ll cause all kinds of trouble.

美国有一句老话：“口风不紧船舰沉(祸从口出)。” 意思是说如果你过多地谈论某件事，尤其是跟你不太了解的人谈，会招来各种麻烦。

The situation here is so much worse because the “loose lips” were your best friend’s. Treated this way, you’re sure to feel hurt—we should always be able to trust those closest to us, and it hurts even more when we find we can’t.

现在的情况更糟糕，因为“口风不紧”的人是你最好的朋友。被这样对待，你一定会觉得受到了伤害——我们应该总是能够信任最亲近的人，当我们发现他们不能信赖时，就更伤心了。

But I have to say that it’s partly your fault, isn’t it? You admit that you were “letting off steam”. It is understandable in that situation, but we should always think before we speak.

不过我不得不说你也有一部分责任，不是吗？你承认了你在“宣泄情绪”。在当时的情况下，这是可以理解的，但我们在说话前应该先想清楚。

Here’s what you need to do. First, apologise to your teammate. If you ever want to win any more basketball games (and I’m sure you do!), you need to work together, and that means communicating with each other clearly and resolving conflicts. So have a chat with your teammate. Tell him directly and honestly that you were talking without thinking.

现在你应该这么做。首先，向你的队友道歉。如果你们想赢得更多的篮球比赛（我肯定你们一定想赢! ），你们就必须团结合作，这就意味着你们彼此间必须沟通清楚，解决矛盾。所以，找你那位队友聊聊吧。坦诚地告诉他你当时的话没有经过认真考虑。

Then, talk to your friend. Friendship should be one of the greatest things in the world, but sometimes it can be difficult. Again, your strategy is clear communication. Tell your friend you’re angry with him for repeating what you said and making the situation worse, but that you want to move on. Approached in this way, your friendship will soon be repaired.

然后，和你的朋友聊聊吧。友谊应该是世界上最好的事物之一了，但有时也会有些麻烦。同样，你的策略是进行清楚明确的沟通。告诉你的朋友，他传话的行为让情况更糟糕了，你对此很生气，但你想让事情就此过去。通过这种方式处理，你们的友谊很快就会修复。

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, think about your own behaviour. Don’t say too much when you’re angry! Filled with anger, you tend to say whatever comes to your mind. This gives people the wrong signal. Take a deep breath, calm down, and always remember: think first, speak later. If you feel one of your teammates isn’t pulling their weight, then raise your concerns in a professional way with your team coach.

第三，也许是最重要的一点，反思自己的行为。生气的时候别说太多话！满腔怒火的时候，你往往想到什么就说什么。这会给别人错误的信号。深呼吸，冷静下来，并始终牢记：三思而后行。如果你觉得你的队友没有尽责，那你要以更专业的方式向教练提出你的担心。

If you think about other people’s feelings as well as your own, you’ll soon find everything works out.

如果你能在考虑自己感受的同时也考虑别人的感受，很快你就会发现一切都好了。

Good luck!

祝你好运！

Agony Aunt

知心阿姨

Developing ideas

Little White Lies

善意的小小谎言

Written more than two hundred years ago, these lines by Walter Scott remain one of the most well-known excerpts of Scottish poetry:

两百多年前，沃尔特·司各特写下的这几行文字，如今依然是苏格兰诗歌中最广为传诵的诗句之一：

Oh, what a tangled web we weave,

When first we practise to deceive!

啊，谎言一旦开始，我们须得织就一张错综复杂的网！

We all know that honesty is an important value and that lying is wrong, but who can honestly say that they’ve never told a lie? Perhaps we comfort ourselves with the knowledge that most of the lies we tell are “white lies”: little lies that we tell to protect others from the truth.

我们都知道诚实是一项重要品质，也知道说谎是不对的，但是谁又能诚实地说自己从未说过谎呢？也许我们会这样来安慰自己：我们所说的大部分谎言都是“善意的谎言”——我们为了保护他人免受真相伤害的小谎言。

We’ve all surely had the experience of someone cooking a meal for us that we don’t like. The majority of us of course don’t tell the truth—we lie and say that the food is “delicious”.

我们一定都有过这样的经历：别人为我们准备的饭菜不合我们的口味。我们大多数人当然不会说实话——我们会撒谎说食物“很美味”。

Or if a friend asks us what we think of their new haircut, we say “It’s great!”, even if we think it’s awful. But to what extent can we justify telling white lies like these?

或者有朋友问我们他的新发型怎么样，即使我们觉得很糟糕，我们也还是会说：“太棒了！” 但是这些善意的谎言到底有多正当呢？

One of the main reasons for telling a white lie is to try to make others feel better. However, when we lie and say that someone’s haircut looks good, or when we say that we love a meal that we secretly hate, are we really hoping to improve the situation for someone else? Perhaps we are in fact lying to protect ourselves from the disappointment and anger of others.

说善意谎言的一个主要原因是为了照顾别人的感受。然而，当我们撒谎说某人的发型很好看，或者说不合我们口味的菜很好吃时，我们真的是在为别人着想吗？也许实际上，我们撒谎只是为了不让别人失望和生气，以免殃及自身。

Another reason for telling a white lie is to give encouragement. Say for example that your friend asks you what you think of his singing. You of course say that it’s wonderful, despite secretly thinking that your cat can sing better. Stop for a moment and consider that perhaps your friend wants some frank  comments from you so that they can improve. Or perhaps, they need to know that they should look for a different hobby.

说善意谎言的另一个原因是给予鼓励。比方说，你的朋友问你觉得他的歌唱得怎么样。尽管你私下里认为他唱得还不如猫叫好听，但你还说会说这很好听。停下来想一想，也许你的朋友就是想从你那儿得到一些坦诚的意见，从而改进和提高。又或者，应该让他知道自己应该换一个爱好了。

Finally, we may also tell a white lie when we want to protect others from bad news. If you’ve had a bad day, do you tell your parents about it, or do you hide your tears and lie that your day was “fine”? If the latter, don’t you think your parents would want to listen to you and understand your feelings? Wouldn’t it be better to respect their concern for you and ask for their advice?

最后，想要向别人隐瞒坏消息的时，我们也可能会说善意的谎言。假如你今天诸事不顺，你是对你的父母说实话呢，还是会偷偷擦掉眼泪骗他们说你今天过得“很好”？如果是后者，难道你不觉得其实父母希望听你倾诉从而理解你的真实感受吗？尊重他们对你的关心，向他们寻求建议不是更好吗？

Going back to Walter Scott’s lines, we may find even white lies have results we cannot know in advance. Perhaps the meal you said was “delicious” will be served every time you visit. Would your friend trust your opinion again if he found out you had lied about his “wonderful” singing? How would you expect others to truly understand your emotions if you only shared good news instead of bad? Moreover, how would you feel if you discovered that the people closest to you had been hiding the truth from you?

回到沃尔特·司各特的诗句，我们可能会发现，即使是善意的谎言，也会带来无法预知的后果。也许被你评价为“美味的”饭菜会在你每次到访时都出现在餐桌上。如果你的朋友发现你对歌声“很美妙”的评价是个谎言后，他还会继续信任你的看法吗？